Man Who Flunked Geometry has Difficulty with Love Triangle

NEWARK, New Jersey – Having received an F in remedial geometry during his high school years,
thirty-five year old resident Derek Van Horn has found it nearly impossible to
keep his present love-triangle between Stacy Stengel and Trudy
Martinez straight.

“Right now, I don’t know who’s dating who. I’ve tried to solve the equation, but it’s so complicated,”
said Derek. “Stacy and I dated for four months, but I slept with Trudy a couple
of times three years ago. After Trudy and I hooked up again and Stacy found
out, we broke up. This is where it gets hazy because I think Trudy developed
feelings for Stacy while I fell in love with Trudy and Stacy still was into me
and let me cheat on Trudy by sleeping with her. Does that make me the altitude
through Trudy’s vertex perpendicular to Stacy… goddamn, this is complicated!”


According to the American Mathematical Association, Derek’s
inability to keep track of the relatively straightforward trilateral personal
connections between the two women has been traced to his habit of ditching
third period geometry class in the ninth grade. Creating a graph diagram as his
math teacher Mr. Berkowitz suggested in one of the few classes he did attend in
1986 didn’t help. “I even got out my old protractor from the attic. I got so mad
that I couldn’t find the answer, I accidentally stabbed myself in the nipple.”


In mapping the triangle to delineate a solution, Derek has had
difficulty discerning whether his particular love triangle is isosceles,
equilateral or acute. “I’m thinking acute, because Stacy and Trudy are both
friggin’ hot.” He admits his chances of solving the love-triangle are
complicated by the addition of Trina, the sexy receptionist at his office, who
may enter the fray and cause a love-trapezoid. “Plus I’ve realized that my long
time fantasy involving the Dallas Cowboys is impossible unless I master the calculations
necessary for a love-rhombic dodecahedron. Why didn’t I go to class? Fuck!”