(UNASSOCIATED PRESS) – An independent clinical study
released yesterday by the Pew Research Center has discovered that at least 23
percent of the ingredients in takeout pizza include the bodily fluids from the
industry’s teenage employees.
National pizza chains have traditionally employed a large
percentage of the American teenage population. Not only has this provided adolescents with the
opportunity to earn extra money for summer activities, they now have the chance to
disseminate various bodily secretions into the food of unsuspecting patrons in previously unheard of amounts.
The Pew Center, a nonpartisan research organization, obtained the test results through a random sampling of
delivery pizzas from national chains including Domino’s, Pizza Hut and Papa
John’s. The study revealed that the urban legend involving various bodily ooze making its
way into your food contained a grain of truth.
“Certainly these kids are learning the value of a hard days
work,” said Pew Research Fellow Dr. Damon Stottelmeyer. “But they are also
ascertaining, perhaps intuitively, how easy it is to hock a gooey loogie into a
large pepperoni, and the customer is none the wiser.”
This sort of passive-aggressive behavior is only aggravated
by additional emissions teens may unintentionally discharge onto pizza
ingredients, including brow sweat splashed
onto the pizza dough and excessive sneezing over the toppings area during flu season.
“I don’t even want to know what some of the more perverted
kids do in the back office with the blinds shut. Who knows what sort of nasty
double entendres are manifested on top of the Meat Lovers pizza?” said
Stottelmeyer. The revelation has already caused a furor in the pizza eating
community, and the FDA has threatened to intervene.
While not denying teen spew has spurted onto their product, some
major pizza chains dismissed the more sinister implications of the study’s
results, betraying their deeply entrenched dependence on cheap teenage
labor. “The continued health of our customers is of utmost importance to us,” said a
spokesman for Pizza Hut. “If this study is corroborated, we intend to ensure all
of our food charts are updated to include calorie counts for teenage spit and jizz.”