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HARRISBURG, Pa.-In what is sure to be the biggest courtroom clash since the last one, a class
action suit had been filed in federal court against the Dover Area School Board
for not allowing the teaching of Intelligent Design in school science classes. The twist? This time, it’s the monkeys themselves bringing the suit.

In a startling and unprecedented move, several Bornean Orangutans from the Pittsburgh zoo have sued the school district, insisting that Intelligent Design not only be taught in science classes but the theory of evolution be stricken from textbooks
altogether.Ape_3

These Orangutans, or Pongo pygmaeus, are offended by the idea that they are
related to people, and think Intelligent Design is the best alternative out
there.

One of the plaintiffs, Cuddles, explained her position
through a sign language interpreter: “That apes and humans descended from a
common ancestor is just a disgusting thought. I’m appalled, frankly. I mean,
look at you. Massive poverty, genocide, suffering, violence. Look how you treat
your kind. People are horrible, horrible creatures.”

She continued, “Have you seen some of the porn on your
internet? I can’t believe humans pee on each other. And don’t get me started on
the Tuesday night lineup on ABC. Only true barbarians would keep According to Jim on the air. That I’m
related to people in any way should be rejected on face value, let alone be
taught in science classes.”

The details of the apes’ replacement theory are still
ambiguous. One version of Intelligent Design posits elements of nature are so
complex that they must have been created by a higher force. Among some of the
more controversial elements of the ape theory include the idea that this
“intelligent designer” of the entire universe is actually a 50 foot tall super
smart ape similar to King Kong.

Dovercourtroom_1
Attorneys representing the school board have questioned the
true motives of the apes. In a written statement, school board lawyers claimed
the suit was just a cheap parlor trick to manipulate the public and avoid the
fact that humans and apes are related through evolution.

But the primates remain undeterred. Bubba, another plaintiff
in the suit, has similar thoughts- “Man did not come from apes. Gorillas, bonobos,
chimpanzees, gibbons, we’re all united. I mean, have you
seen the contestants on American Idol? Ugh. You humans are just awful. Unlike evolution, Intelligent Design makes the case we’re not associated with you at all!"

A U.S. Supreme Court ruling in 1987 decried schools could
not require creationism to balance the teaching of evolution. This new lawsuit
brought on by the apes may eventually make it up to the conservative justices
recently appointed by president George W. Bush. As a result the ruling may be different. 

Bush even weighed in on the teaching of the possibility that
a super intelligent, furry orangutan created the universe. "I think that
part of education is to expose people to different schools of thought,"
Bush said. "You’re asking me whether or not people ought to be exposed to
different ideas, the answer is yes."

WICHITA, Kan. – The Nielsens, a local family that ironically work for the television tracking
Nielsen Media Research, are remarkably dysfunctional. Family problems have
leaked into their television viewing habits, and have made it hard for Nielsen
Research to get good statistics.

Family_5
  “It’s been a difficult few months to be sure,” remarks Tom
Nielsen, father of the family. “We’ve only got one t.v. All I want to do is
watch the sports highlights when I get home from a hard day’s work at the mill.
And I can’t get that simple fact through this stupid whore’s head.”

A teary eyed Laura, mother of the dysfunctional family,
can’t figure out what to do. “I Tivo Oprah because I’m chauffeuring Suzy to
ballet and Bobby to therapy for his ADD," she sobs. “That fucking bastard hogs
the remote. I’ve got 5 episodes backed up.”

Nine year old Bobby Nielson weighs in. “I wanna play video
games. Ooo something shiny.” Little four year old Suzy Nielsen regularly stomps
into the living room when her mother and father are fighting over the t.v. and
switches the channel to Sponge Bob.

“The Nielsens are a problem,” says a spokesman for Nielsen
Research. “If they were a healthier family, they’d be able to decide what the
heck to watch, and we could track it. Right now, the fact that they are totally
dysfunctional makes figuring out what they view such a bitch for us.”

HOLLYWOOD, Ca. – Following the success of the television show “Skating with
Celebrities”, Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick are set to star in an ice
dancing version of the Movie Musical smash The Producers, which itself was an
adaptation of the Broadway musical of The Producers, which was a retooling of a
major motion picture by the same name.Nathanmatt_3

Lane and Broderick, who both recently costarred in a
Broadway revival of the Neil Simon classic The
Odd Couple
, are looking
forward to working together again. They just can’t seem to get enough of each
other. “We were going to do the female version of The Odd Couple with both of us in
drag before this opportunity presented itself,” said Broderick.

Lane has been practicing lifts and pivots in anticipation of
the project. “I’ve never skated before.
Then again before the Producers, I
wasn’t Jewish either!” exclaimed a visibly excited Lane.

If all goes well, Mel
Brooks plans on adapting the Ice Dancing version of The Producers based on the movie musical based on
the Broadway musical based on the original movie into a cable miniseries called
The Producers. More updates on how this dead horse is being beaten as they
become available.