PHILADELPHIA, Pa. – Fresh from a bitter divorce between parents Tom and Ashley Severenson, twelve year old Scotty, their only child, anticipates a “buttload” more gifts and presents on special holidays. “I’m so excited! Now that mom and dad are splitsville, that means I’ll get twice as many presents on the holidays. And better gifts too! They’ll be desperate to win my affection, so I’ll be able to play them off each other for the coolest, baddest toys on the market. Freakin’ sweet!” said a smirking Scotty.

Scotty’s plans include subtle manipulation of both parents in hopes of acquiring more cool gadgets and electrifying toys than any other kid in his demographic. “Before the divorce, mom was always buying me ‘practical’ gifts like socks and jackets and other dumbass crap. Now she’s going to have to use up those alimony payments and max out that Platinum Visa just to keep up with dad."

Although his mother Ashley had received full custody due to his father’s drinking habit, Scotty didn’t seem too interested in the lack of a full time father figure in his life, as he would be receiving all kinds of unbelievable stuff he wouldn’t have received otherwise. Since this upcoming December will be the first Christmas since the breakup, Scotty says he is angling to get an Xbox 360 from his father and a Playstation 3 from his mother. “Last year, I’d have been lucky to get a new cartridge for that dusty ol’ Nintendo 64. Now I’m gonna be the most popular kid on the block. Mom and dad breaking up is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, ever. Divorce rocks!”

FT. LAUDERDALE, Flor. – In an attempt to shore up lagging poll numbers in her campaign for the Republican senatorial nomination, congresswoman Katherine Harris has decided to offer delicious, homemade cupcakes to anyone who will vote for her in the election. “It worked when I ran for treasurer in the 5th grade. My mom prepared these scrumptious double-chocolate and peanut butter delight cupcakes with extra frosting and rainbow sprinkles. We handed them out next to the slide on the school playground. Believe me, one bite and you’d have voted Stalin for dog catcher,” said Harris through her swollen, pouty lips and clown-school makeup.

Harris hopes her cupcakes will help her recover from a disastrous downward spiral, as Democratic incumbent Bill Nelson has pulled ahead by as many as 30 percentage points. Her Senate campaign has been riddled with vexing difficulties including problems with retaining volunteers, accusations of fraud, her sometimes gaudy appearance and an inability to deal with her own bizarre statements. While the effectiveness and legality of her cupcake tactic is still uncertain, Harris admits that if her poll numbers don’t improve she may have to up the ante. “I’ll like, totally make out with anyone who votes for me. With tongue. Seriously, meet me behind the bleachers.”

(UNASSOCIATED PRESS) – The feeding tube of renowned killer Jason Voorhees, the man in the middle of a bitter moral and legal battle that has drawn national attention, was removed by state officials on Tuesday at the behest of the families of his numerous victims. Voorhees had been in a persistent vegetative state for nine years after being discovered unconscious and in a coma at the bottom of Crystal Lake.

It was a dramatic moment that encapsulated the extreme emotions on all sides of the struggle to decide the fate of the infamous boogeyman. The controversy has endured nine years of arduous court battles, and had taken its toll on the families of the victims of Voorhees’ alleged bloodlust and wrath.

At 2:15 p.m. on Tuesday, doctors removed the feeding tube from Jason’s grey, moldy forearm, placing it gently next to the flowers of well wishers and his famed hockey mask on the counter by his hospital bed. Without liquid nourishment, Jason could still remain alive for two to four weeks before dying of dehydration.

This may be the last chapter in the onerous saga that began almost 50 years ago when Jason Voorhees drowned in Crystal Lake as careless teenage camp counselors had sexual relations. Although the details of the last half century are vague and contradictory, most experts agree that numerous violent and bloody battles had left him with permanent brain damage.

After being retrieved from the bottom of Crystal Lake nine years ago, a dozen doctors have consistently diagnosed him to be in a persistent vegetative state. The controversy developed a life of its own since Jason left no living will describing his desires, rarely speaking of such wishes to anyone.

Some have claimed that Jason would not have wanted to be kept alive artificially and that it should be removed so he may pass on. Fans of the serial killer and Right-to-Life activists have fought to keep his feeding tube attached, declaring his condition could improve with the right rehabilitation.

A spokesman for the families involved in the killing sprees expressed relief at a hastily prepared press conference. “We’ve battled long and hard to get to this point, but we’re satisfied with the court’s decision. Jason will not be kept alive through a tube. We know he’s been killed numerous times before. But this time it’s different. He’s not coming back. We can finally rest at ease. Nope. Nu-uh. No chance of him coming back from the dead this time. He’s dead forever. Yep.”

The families’ spokesman elaborated on their plans to file lawsuits in civil court on behalf of the 144 victims allegedly murdered by Jason over a period of 26 years if the feeding tube is reattached.

They may seek restitution for Jason’s alleged butchery, which includes accusations of triple decapitation, machete hacking, head crushing, bludgeoning with a wrench, throat slashing, eye gouging, drowning, strangulation, as well as impalement with various objects including knives, spears, mirror chards, pitchforks, knitting needles, fireplace pokers, axes, railroad spikes, corkscrews, meat cleavers, garden shears and harpoons.

Andrew McMullan, lawyer for the Voorhees Estate vowed the battle was not over. “We hope to make an emergency appeal the 11th U.S. Circuit’s decision. The clock is ticking. Do these people have no compassion? Jason is starving to death right now. That’s somebody’s son suffering in the hospital. Are they heartless?”

“Well, we know at least one of Jason’s victims is heartless- Jason ripped his heart right out of his chest!” said Thomas Stanton, father of Suzi, a teenage girl Jason allegedly stabbed with a spear while on a Senior Class boat trip in 1989.

In an ironic twist, the actions of Congress have only reinforced the opinion of many who believe Jason Voorhees’ fate is being exploited for political purposes. The House of Representatives convened in an emergency session to pass legislation overriding the state court’s decision.

Said House Majority Leader John Boehner, “We need to save Jason. He can’t suffer a slow death through starvation. We want him to live, so way we can try him for all those murders. Then we can give him the electric chair. We can’t let activist judges take away the fun of murdering that son of a bitch ourselves!”

After being informed electrocution had previously reanimated Jason from the dead twice already, Boehner seemed confused. “Well that doesn’t make any sense at all. Wait, what? He drowned in 1957, right? How many times has he risen from the dead? Nine, ten times at least, right? How in the hell could electricity possibly…ah, fuck it.”

The dispute over Vorhees’ feeding tube follows quickly on the heels of other high profile cases involving famous killers. Most notably are the Leprechaun’s successful discrimination lawsuit after Cedar Point refused him admission to several roller coasters, Chucky from Child’s Play being tried as a minor for his crimes, and the Supreme Court’s ruling in favor of Freddy Krueger in Krueger v. Duraflame.


ASPEN, Colorado – In what some analysts consider a brilliant maneuver, convicted corporate felon Kenneth Lay died of a heart attack on Wednesday, effectively avoiding the prison sentence and loads of ass rape that would have come with it. Mr. Lay was convicted recently of lying to regulators, investors and employees to shroud the inevitable financial crumbling of his massive energy company Enron.

“While we were satisfied with Mr. Lay’s guilty verdict, nothing can be done to restore the ruined lives of those who lost their pensions in Mr. Lay’s illegal schemes,” said a spokesman for a group of former Enron employees. “We were just hoping he’d live long enough to for his cellmate in Block D to give him a good fudge packing. Now Mr. Lay’s victims will never experience the sheer joy of knowing the man who ruined their lives is getting a violent ass pounding.”

Experts had unanimously agreed that Ken Lay would have likely been relegated to the position of “Bitch” in the prison hierarchy. As a result, Lay would have been forced to give sloppy blowjobs to whoever demanded them, as well as having to toss the salad of the uglier and smellier inmates. At the time of the heart attack Mr. Lay was out on $5 million dollar bail while awaiting sentencing, the money in his offshore accounts just enough to avoid endless butt reaming by dozens of angry inmates in the shower.  Although the true importance of Lay’s death tactic is uncertain, many historians already agree that dying was a unique way for Lay to avoid forced sodomy.

AUGUSTA, Georgia – After dropping a piece of blueberry bran
muffin onto his trousers during lunch break, local mortgage specialist Frank
McDonald discovered his zipper had descended, exposing a small piece of his
Spongebob Squarepants boxers in the process. “Oh, that’s just great,” opined a
distraught McDonald. “Why didn’t anyone tell me? Motherfuck.”

In retracing his steps, McDonald attempted to procure a potential
timeline for the duration his zipper had actually been down, revealing the
prominent trouser slit to the world. “Okay, I left for work in the morning and briefly spoke
to my neighbors, the Kinseys as I lept down my porch steps. Maybe that’s why
Mrs. Kinsey shielded her kid’s eyes as I waved to them. At about 9 a.m. I went by the break room to grab a donut
and rant about the season finale of House. I heard a few muffled snickers, but
I didn’t know it was about me! Nobody said a word. Shit, I wonder if that’s why
Cynthia gave me that weird look earlier when I gave her the memos for accounts

This is not the first illustration of McDonald’s proclivity
for unintentional buffoonery, as previous instances have caused interoffice
hilarity. Most notable were a large, whistling booger which dangled
precariously from his nose through a two-hour meeting with corporate bigwigs, and
the notorious “wet spot”, where potential clients in a meeting laughed at a particularly
prominent damp area on the back of McDonald’s beige pants. "I sat in a puddle of coffee or something, I swear. Damn, why’d I have to wear the Spongebob underwear today? It’s laundry day!"

Attempts to retrieve information about the length and extent of the zipper mishap proved futile. None of his coworkers were willing to
provide McDonald with any of the universally recognized signals for downed
zippers, including clearing of the throat, subtly pointing to the crotch area, or
whispering XYZ. Despite his inability to ascertain the precise length of time of
this particular dangling zipper mishap, McDonald vowed to be more careful in
the future to avoid another “wardrobe malfuckingfunction.”

(UNASSOCIATED PRESS) WASHINGTON D.C. – During a recent statement to foreign
dignitaries, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that the August
2006 release of Keven Federline’s album Playing with Fire would be considered an
outright “Declaration of War.” That the album will surely bomb combined with
the fact that the bomb will drop later this year has all but destroyed the
possibility of diplomatic discussions with Iran.

“Such unprovoked aggression by the United States would be completely unacceptable,”
declared Ahmadinejad from the steps of Ayatolla Khomeini’s tomb. “The Great
Satan must not let an untalented, mediocre hanger-on to jeopardize our livelihood. If the Federline unleashes his pollutants on us, we will be required to retaliate
with the Iron Fist of Allah’s Will.”

The recent development has threatened tentative talks amongst
the United States,
the European Union and Iran.
At stake is Iran’s
continued insistence on pursuing uranium enrichment, claiming it to be for use
as fuel in civilian nuclear power plants. The United States and other western countries fear it will be used to create nuclear
weapons which may be used against them. 

The talks have been on shaky ground for weeks, and many
insiders consider Federline’s album to be the straw that may break the camel’s
back. “Although the album is certain to be a big steaming pile crap, that it has
become the centerpiece of a mounting international crisis is quite unexpected,”
said an executive at a major music label.

Also at stake is the burgeoning career of Britney Spears’
husband. Despite the fact that it isn’t due to be released until later this
year, Kevin Federline’s upcoming album and its tracks have already garnered
ample negative publicity and mockery. Petey Pablo, the guest artist rumored to
appear on the album, has already fled the country to an undisclosed location to
wait out the attacks.

Ahmadinejad is not the only Iranian demanding a stop to
Federline’s musical career. Many Islamic critics have renounced the album’s
release as mean-spirited antagonism at a time when moderation is the key. In a
sense, with Playing with Fire, Federline is literally playing with fire.

“I don’t know what da big deal is, yo. I just wanna kick out
the dope ass rhymes and rhythmic flava fo da masses,” said a remarkably white
Federline while rubbing his nipple through the soiled wife-beater adorning his
torso. “What’s Tehran got against a
nice beat that’ll get the ladies a wigglin’ they booties on the dance floor? We
gotta get dose sweet ho’s outta dose burkhas somehows, yaknowhati’msayin’?”

Negotiations with Iran have been temporarily postponed as the focus of the UN Security Council has
turned to opening a dialogue with Federline’s agent. “If he releases the album,
the people of Iran will surely see it as an official act of war by the U.S. That damn wigger always fuckin’ things up,
with his gold diggin’ ass,” said European Union foreign policy chief Javier


(UNASSOCIATED PRESS) – Following the push to replace Franklin Roosevelt’s head on the dime with Ronald Reagan’s, supporters of former president Bill Clinton hope to mandate all U.S. strip clubs place Clinton’s head on their funny money. 

Most upscale gentlemen’s clubs offer patrons the choice of converting their dollar bills to ‘strip club dollars’. It is fake or funny money that bares a resemblance to legal tender but is instead printed on colorful paper with the strip club’s logo. “It’s a fun way to involve the customers and snatch more of their cash. Plus it cracks down on counterfeit bills,” says Benny Taglioni, manager of Boner Appetit’s, a New Jersey strip club.

The proposed legislation would require each club’s dollar bills to include a portrait or photograph of Bill Clinton in a similar fashion to the pictures of past leaders on legal paper money. The clubs could simply accentuate the pictures on their existing dollars, which are often riddled with provocative pictures, bare-ass naked woman, exposed boobs, and strippers in obscene poses.

“It’s a great idea,” says sponsor of the bill Jeffrey Kierkegaard, D-Maryland. “Every time someone is getting a lapdance from Jasmine, the Perfect 10 with the 36 DD’s, Slick Willy’s face will be there to remind us of our freedom. His mug will remind us of the roaring 90’s, when the Cold War was over, everyone was making money, and the worst thing we had to worry about was a president getting a hummer from a fat girl.”

SOUTH CENTRAL, Calif. – In an attempt to save his reputation as a cold-blooded inner-city gangster
with street cred, local hood Anfernee Marsallis has spent several years
pretending to love the movie Scarface while secretly adoring Pee-Wee’s Big
. “I’m tired of sneaking around behind my homeys’ backs, but I gots to
do it if I wanna maintain my status as a ruthless gangsta sonuffabitch,” said

Over the years, the movie Scarface and its posters have become calling cards
for the urban gangster lifestyle. Posters of Al Pacino’s character from Brian
DePalma’s cult classic continue to be prominently displayed on the walls of the
homes of gang members, drug dealers and hoodlums all across the nation. Pee-Wee’s
Big Adventure
was Tim Burton’s cult hit from 1985 about a nerdy loser with a
speech impediment in a red bow-tie who went on cross-country trip to search for
his stolen bike.

The affection Marsallis feels for the Paul Reubens’ character
has occasionally had dire consequences. In one harrowing incident, Marsallis
found himself on the wrong side of town surrounded by a rival gang of Bloods.
He attempted to win them over by reenacting a scene from the movie, where Pee
Wee won over a ruthless biker gang by dancing a “Tequila Dance” to the song by the Champs. Directly proceeding the altercation, Marsallis spent 7 weeks in
the local hospital’s ICU recovering from seven gunshot wounds to his legs and

“During last weeks liquor store robbery, my nigga Marcus
pulled out his gun and used Pacino’s famous line from Scarface– ‘Say hello to
my little friend.’ I wanted to keep my mind on the cash register, but all I
could think about was how I craved to say ‘Tell em’ Large Marge sent ya!’

The fondness the gangsta culture has for Pacino’s Scarface has
not translated into other films, and Marsallis is fearful nobody will ever
understand his obsession with Pee Wee. Still, he holds out hope someday he won’t
have to hide his love for the 80’s cult favorite.  “He may have been a scrawny little white guy,
but Pee Wee was one bad muthafucker with a cool ass bike!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an unexpected move, President Bush named the beloved and bespectacled Mr. Monopoly
Guy as the next Treasury Secretary, in hopes that the unanticipated nominee will
bring much needed credibility to an administration in crisis.

Mr. Monopoly Guy will replace John Snow, who had filled the Cabinet position
since 2003. Although both outgoing and incoming secretaries have had experience
heading up giant railroad companies, Monopoly Guy’s resume is far more
extensive. His broad and far-reaching experience spans decades, and includes
overseeing of several utility companies, supervision of numerous rental
properties, as well as the construction and management of mammoth hotels on the
famed Boardwalk and Park Place properties.

“Mr. Monopoly, or as I like to call him, Rich Uncle Pennybags, is supremely
qualified for this position in my Cabinet. He understands economic policy and
has a keen grasp of our initiatives. Plus, them top hats are so cool. I wanna
wear one of those, heh-heh-heh,” said Bush, referring to the headwear Mr. Monopoly has adorned
since he came into the public spotlight.

Mr. Monopoly was a major fundraiser for the 2004 Bush reelection, earning
the title “pioneer” for having earned over $100,000 dollars for the president’s
campaign. After several bank errors in his favor, that number rose to almost a
quarter of a million dollars. A previous scandal had several major economic
players accusing Mr. Monopoly of stealing from the till after he insisted on being
their “banker” during important transactions, although the charges were
eventually dropped.

Skeptics also remain unconvinced that Monopoly’s seasoned real estate
experience will translate well on Bush’s team. They cite his previous support
of draconian tax structure, including the school tax, income tax and poor tax.

“We’ve had decent growth in the private sector over the last two years. I
don’t see how adding a guy whom many associate with pure greed can help us in
an election year,” said one Bush Aide who wished to remain anonymous. “Plus,
the guy has no concept of inflation. Twenty-four bucks rent for a high end house in Marvin Gardens? Come on, what is this, 1936?”

Although sources are uncertain precisely how much influence Mr. Monopoly
will have on current economic policy, he has already made waves by presenting
$200 handouts to members of Congress every time they come around the block. He
also is alleged to have offered to trade Condaleeza Rice the deeds to his
Baltic and Mediterranean for her Washington apartment.

The Senate Finance Committee, headed by Chuck Grassley, R-Iowa, is anticipated
to schedule hearings for Mr. Monopoly in the not too distant future, and all indications point to an easy appointment. "He’s a wonderful nomination by Bush. He’ll be the only Treasury Secretary to ever have had his own float in the Macy’s Parade!" said Grassley.

economic ascendancy was built on the backs of entrepreneurship and the natural competitiveness
of the private market,” said Mr. Monopoly at his nomination press conference. “Plus,
I promise everyone will get Free Parking.

Despite Mr. Monopoly’s resume, rumors abound that Bush appointed him to the position for the sole
purpose of retrieving his coveted “Get Out of Jail Free”
cards as an emergency bail out for fellow Republican cohorts combatting a recent slew of criminal indictments.

Ca. – Continuing a disturbing trend of bigotry among young children, 10 year
old Brandon Amhrein was suspended from attending class for two weeks after
exhibiting extreme lactose intolerance in the school cafeteria.

The confrontation occurred last Tuesday when Maggie, the
cafeteria lady, attempted to give Brandon a carton of chocolate milk with his school lunch. Brandon
refused to take the milk, insisting on a juice alternative. Maggie recalled, “I
asked him what he had against
milk, and he told me outright that he was lactose intolerant. Heavens to Betsy,
I couldn’t believe it. To be so openly intolerant in this day and age? I was
shocked to say the least!”

Mariposa Elementary Principal Scott Samson was unapologetic
about the incident. “I’m appalled by Brandon,
frankly. This is a disturbing trend in our children. We have been given strict
standards to promote open-mindedness and diversity in the student body. Milk
prejudice is absolutely unacceptable. We have zero tolerance for intolerance
around here.”

Although the San Juan school district has launched a full investigation into the episode, initial
sentiment from the community seems to support Principal Samson’s actions. Both
the teacher’s union and the PTA have come out in support of Brandon’s
suspension, citing tolerance codes as incontestable.

The ACLU has issued a press release condemning the
suspension, claiming the child’s lactose intolerance is protected in ways similar
to the rights of KKK members to march in parades. “No matter how despicable Brandon’s
lactose intolerant views may be, those appalling views are nevertheless
protected under the first amendment of the Constitution.”

When asked for comment, Brandon simply answered, “I don’t know what the big deal is. I wish I could be more
tolerant of the lactose, but milk makes me fart and
gives me the runs.”