WASHINGTON D.C. – In a hastily announced press conference early Monday afternoon, Rep. Troy
Carlsbad (R, Delaware) resigned amid a swirl of scandal and controversy to spend
time with some other family besides his own.
“I think it’s best for all involved if I spend time with a
different family, because like the rest of America, my own family seems to
think I’m a filthy, revolting slime-ball from hell,” said a glib Carlsbad while
standing next to the random Chinese family he plans to stay with indefinitely.
“Mr. and Mrs. Wong, little Chyou and Shing, and all the rest
of the Wong family, without your tireless support it would have been impossible
to make it through this tough ordeal. I hope to spend many months with you,
sleeping on your couch, eating your mushu, and laughing at your silly accents
until my own family decides to talk to me again,” said
The Wongs nodded aggressively in agreement. "We rike Tloy velly velly much," said Mr. Wong. "He can stay with us untir the cows come home."
been plagued since early 2004 with a myriad of charges and allegations. Included
are several ethics investigations, accusations of fraud and embezzlement,
criminal indictments for blackmail and racketeering, drug stings, using taxpayer
funds to buy booze and hookers, controversial statements about “blackies”
caught on tape and involvement in lurid affairs with both female and male
At the press conference,
trying to destroy me. These allegations are baseless. All 179 of them.” The
vast litany of scandals that have overwhelmed Carlsbad has made it nearly impossible to retain a firm grasp of his voting base, and
his resignation is seen in political circles as a culmination of years of unapologetic bastardry and douche baggery.
third wife, was glad to see him finally go. “He’s not spending time with his
real family, that’s for sure. We don’t want anything to do with the lying,
cheating, infantile bum. Dragging our good name through the mud like that,
claiming he’s being framed by political foes, it’s unforgivable. I’m gonna take
him for all he’s worth in the divorce, and the kids too. I hope he rots in
“We’ll patch things up,” said
“It’s just a minor bump in the road.”
Ongoing legal travails and an almost certain divorce
guarantee crushing debt for the once wealthy Congressman. And yet Carlsbad didn’t seem too worried at the press conference, confident in the idea that
spending time with some other family will cure what ails him. He informed the
Wongs he plans to stay with them until the shame, disgrace, embarrassment,
indignity and humiliation pass, or he is offered a position as a commentator on
Fox News. “Whichever comes first,” added Carlsbad.