Student Suspended for Lactose Intolerance

CITRIS HEIGHTS,
Ca. – Continuing a disturbing trend of bigotry among young children, 10 year
old Brandon Amhrein was suspended from attending class for two weeks after
exhibiting extreme lactose intolerance in the school cafeteria.

The confrontation occurred last Tuesday when Maggie, the
cafeteria lady, attempted to give Brandon a carton of chocolate milk with his school lunch. Brandon
refused to take the milk, insisting on a juice alternative. Maggie recalled, “I
asked him what he had against
milk, and he told me outright that he was lactose intolerant. Heavens to Betsy,
I couldn’t believe it. To be so openly intolerant in this day and age? I was
shocked to say the least!”


Mariposa Elementary Principal Scott Samson was unapologetic
about the incident. “I’m appalled by Brandon,
frankly. This is a disturbing trend in our children. We have been given strict
standards to promote open-mindedness and diversity in the student body. Milk
prejudice is absolutely unacceptable. We have zero tolerance for intolerance
around here.”

Although the San Juan school district has launched a full investigation into the episode, initial
sentiment from the community seems to support Principal Samson’s actions. Both
the teacher’s union and the PTA have come out in support of Brandon’s
suspension, citing tolerance codes as incontestable.


The ACLU has issued a press release condemning the
suspension, claiming the child’s lactose intolerance is protected in ways similar
to the rights of KKK members to march in parades. “No matter how despicable Brandon’s
lactose intolerant views may be, those appalling views are nevertheless
protected under the first amendment of the Constitution.”

When asked for comment, Brandon simply answered, “I don’t know what the big deal is. I wish I could be more
tolerant of the lactose, but milk makes me fart and
gives me the runs.”